Author: 长洱 / Chang’er

Translator: Kinky || https://kinkytranslations.com/

Chapter 265

This was a very simple question, and no matter where it appeared in the corners of any magazine or book in this library, it wouldn’t catch people’s attention.

But it happened to be here.

Countless possibilities flashed through Xing Conglian’s mind, such as some unlucky kid casually writing a sentence, and they happened to stumble upon it by accident. But in reality, he was very clear that those so-called other possibilities weren’t valid.

From the moment Lin Chen received the text message, to their gradual guidance here, searching the shelves, finding the hidden periodical, and seeing this sentence, all indicated that someone deliberately wrote this question here, and that person was certain that Lin Chen would see it.

This was obviously related to Lin Chen’s past.

After roughly figuring out what was going on, Xing Conglian was no longer worried.

“What is this?” He calmly spread the book open, turned it around, and faced it towards Lin Chen. Then, he pointed to the question about choice in the seam of the book page, as if asking a very ordinary question.

“This is a question, and also an answer.”

Lin Chen replied still with his distinctive style. Xing Conglian didn’t feel like he was hiding anything.

“What kind of question is it?” Xing Conglian looked straight into his eyes and asked.

“The last time I was forced to answer this question was when I met Feng Peilin on the Taiqian Bridge last year.” Lin Chen paused and spoke clearly and systematically. “He asked on behalf of someone else: In this world, in the confrontation between the infinitely small and the infinitely large, which side would I choose to stand on?”

“Why is it so literary?” When he heard the name “Feng Peilin”, Xing Conglian’s brows slightly furrowed. Although this name was an expected one, it completely represented a part of Lin Chen’s past that he had never touched before.

Now, this part of the past suddenly jumped out without warning. Lin Chen straightened his back, his gaze calm and cool, clearly ready to uncover the scar.

Xing Conglian felt a bit reluctant, steadied his breath, and continued to ask, “Infinitely small, infinitely large—what do they refer to? And what does the so-called ‘choice’ mean?”

“I’m not entirely sure either. ‘Infinitely small’ refers to individual consciousness, ‘infinitely large’ probably refers to the entire social morality and legal system. Translated, Feng Peilin’s entire question was asking me if they were going to be anti-social and if I would help them. But don’t interpret this as a request; it was a boast.” Lin Chen rubbed the table with his finger somewhat irritably. “It’s really annoying,” he emphasized.

At this moment, Lin Chen finally had a living presence. He wasn’t sad; he simply detested these things.

“Since we’ve brought up this matter, there’s a question I must ask. Why did you leave back then?”

“Because Feng Peilin died,” Lin Chen answered. “In fact, I’m very clear that his last step was to kill someone and then commit suicide. It shows that he couldn’t swim at all, and there was no reason for him to survive after falling into the river. I designed this situation, luring him to commit suicide with my own actions, but I didn’t tell you about it. It didn’t comply with legal procedures, and morally, it was flawed. To be honest, I feel guilty about it, so I chose to leave.”

“So, does that mean you didn’t like me at that time?” Xing Conglian suddenly asked. “It wasn’t love at first sight?”

“Why are you becoming more like Wang Chao, always going off-topic?”

“This is a very important question, more important than those shitty matters.”

“At that time, I just thought you were handsome—the type I liked—but I didn’t see your inner beauty.”

Lin Chen answered sincerely, leaving Xing Conglian unsure whether to laugh or cry.

“What about you?” Lin Chen also paused and asked him.

“At that time, I thought you had inner beauty, a kind of mysterious aura that attracted me. But now…” Xing Conglian gestured to Lin Chen, who instinctively leaned closer. Under the warm sunlight, Xing Conglian kissed Lin Chen’s ear and said, “Now, I think you’re handsome.”

Lin Chen’s face clearly blushed, even though they had already done everything together. Yet, Lin Chen could still be shy in some unexpected moments. Xing Conglian enjoyed this moment.

Perhaps after teasing Lin Chen, the atmosphere became less heavy, and under the warm sun, it felt somewhat drowsy.

He closed the book, and the question and answer had come to the most crucial moment. He spoke seriously, “Since Feng Peilin is already dead, then who left this message here? Who sent you the text message and led you to see it?”

“Xing Conglian…” Lin Chen drawled, gazing at him.

“Here.”

“You really haven’t seen the file from that year,” Lin Chen said. “I mean, the thing that Huang Ze held a grudge about—the incident where I killed his sister.”

“Although I haven’t seen the file, I have a general idea of what happened when Huang Ze first came to Hongjing looking for trouble.” Xing Conglian honestly shifted the blame. “It was Fu Hao who told me.”

Lin Chen was taken aback, clearly not expecting this. “You knew the whole story from the beginning?”

“No, Fu Hao only said that it was a trolley problem*. You were forced to make a choice between four people and sixteen people, but he didn’t tell me what kind of choice you made.”

*See chapter 15 for the explanation.

“He’s really troublesome,” Lin Chen said, lowering his head, looking gloomy. He seemed to have no energy for any teasing. But that was Lin Chen. After a while, he seemed to have made up his mind. He raised his head, looked directly into Xing Conglian’s eyes, and asked firmly, “So, do you want to hear my version?”

……

To hear the story, alcohol was needed—that was the agreement Lin Chen made with him initially.

Xing Conglian rushed downstairs, bought two cans of Yongchuan beer from the convenience store, and then returned. This time, Lin Chen didn’t run away again. Instead, he leisurely placed two chairs facing the window and propped his feet up on the windowsill. On his knee lay the 1975 edition of <American Psychologist> they had just found.

As Lin Chen flipped through the collection, his back in a white shirt looked like the kind of senior most popular among girls on campus.

Xing Conglian felt at ease and didn’t mind whatever story he was about to hear.

He walked over, used the beer can to lightly touch Lin Chen’s face, and Lin Chen kissed the back of his hand. Then, he reached out to take the beer, opened the can with a “pop”, and took a big sip.

Xing Conglian didn’t say anything and just sat down on the nearby stool. He hooked his arm around Lin Chen’s back and, like Lin Chen, propped his feet up on the windowsill.

After drinking some beer, Lin Chen’s cheeks were slightly flushed, but he wasn’t drunk.

“Fu Hao told you about the trolley problem.” Lin Chen asked, “How did he describe it specifically?”

“He said there were 20 children playing on the tracks for some reason. Four people suggested to the other 16 that they should go to the other side of the tracks because a train was coming on the path they were on. But the remaining 16 children didn’t listen and chose to stay where they were. At that moment, a train passed and crashed into those 16 people. You were the one who had the chance to pull the lever to change the direction of the train and sacrifice the few to save the majority.” Xing Conglian summarized concisely. “Fu Hao probably presented the problem like this, but he didn’t tell me the outcome.”

“Do you want to know the result?” Lin Chen asked.

“I think the result doesn’t matter,” Xing Conglian answered.

Lin Chen didn’t expect him to say that and looked at him strangely, but then almost whispered to himself, “How can the result not matter?”

“Because this is a dilemma with almost no correct answer.” Xing Conglian took a sip of beer. “I remember this should be an ethical problem?”

“In fact, it is the most famous thought experiment in the field of moral philosophy, first proposed by Philippa Foot* in 1967. It was aimed at critiquing utilitarianism and attacking Kant’s moral duty theory. The original version was not like this, and now this experiment has been transformed into various versions, but it still holds profound significance.”

*English Philosopher and one of the founders of contemporary virtue ethics, who was inspired by the ethics of Aristotle.

“Philosophers always play with fire; this is a very dangerous question,” Xing Conglian said. “In this problem, it explores the duty and responsibility of the trolley operator, as well as the value of life between the majority and the minority. However, once the debate reaches its end, it’s easy to fall into moral nihilism. Both the proponents and opponents of pulling the lever will be stubborn, insisting that their viewpoint is inevitably correct. At some moment during the confrontation, everyone suddenly realizes that there is no such thing as morality or immorality, right or wrong.”

“Your perspectives are always so unique.” Lin Chen raised his beer can and lightly touched it against Xing Conglian’s. “I want to hear more details from you.”

“Choices represent different value systems. Taking the lever as an example, if the trolley operator pulls the lever and directs the train to collide with fewer people to save the majority, then he indirectly acknowledges the value system that considers the lives of the majority more important than those of the minority. Moreover, in modern society, this action is equivalent to violating social rules, depriving others of their right to life—in other words, killing.”

“What if he doesn’t make any choice?” Lin Chen asked.

“Not making a choice is also a choice,” Xing Conglian replied. “He believes he must abide by the social rules and cannot save some people’s lives by depriving others of theirs. In this choice, there is also a trap. He is essentially admitting that, after following social rules, the lives of the minority are more worth protecting than those of the majority. If each person’s life is of infinite value, unable to be measured by a cumulative quantity, then why, after adding social rules, does this become measurable?”

“But it sounds like the latter choice is better?” Lin Chen smiled, with a peaceful expression. “After all, if we generalize it, rules and justice are superior, and rules maintain the normal operation of human civilization.”

Xing Conglian paused, not expecting Lin Chen to respond like this. “If that’s really the inference, then the former choice—upholding the interests of the vast majority of humanity and ensuring human survival—happens to be the reason for establishing social rules and maintaining social normalcy in the latter choice.” He felt that the questioner was being unreasonable. “So, in essence, both choices are forms of moral utilitarianism—the former is situational utilitarianism, and the latter is rule utilitarianism. They lead to the same conclusion, so this kind of questioning is meaningless.”

“No, I still think it is full of significance.” Lin Chen unusually opposed his viewpoint. He took a sip of the beer, slightly tipsy, and said, “Philosophers design such questions to contemplate human past experiences and future fate, through speculation to explore human’s intrinsic moral thinking and external social systems. This itself is an incredibly elegant thing.” He spoke with determination and raised the plain green beer can towards the sun as if he were paying tribute to someone from afar.

At this moment, the sun’s warmth was no longer as scorching as at noon; it seemed gentle and affectionate.

Outside the window, the trees were verdant, and everything was green, creating a pleasant view.

Xing Conglian raised his beer can and took a big gulp, feeling that within the questions and answers, Lin Chen had led him to the core of the issue. However, he found contemplating and answering such hypothetical questions to be irritating and difficult.

But Lin Chen had genuinely experienced such a moral dilemma, and yet, such an experience didn’t fundamentally destroy him. He remained steadfast in his beliefs and had great respect for the world.

As Xing Conglian looked at Lin Chen’s profile while he toasted, he couldn’t help but reach out and touch his face.

Lin Chen turned his head, with a hint of surprise in his expression.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Lin Chen used his thumb to wipe his nose as he asked.

“So, Lin Chen, what choice did you make at that time?”

Kinky Thoughts:

There are a lot of philosophical ideas discussed in this chapter. Kantianism, named after Immanuel Kant, is the theory that in order to act morally, people must act from duty. He further argues that it’s not the consequences of the actions that make them right or wrong, but the motives of the person who carries it out.

You can read more about it, and how deontology was formed by going to the Wikipedia. Modern deontology explains that the morality of an action is based on whether the action itself is right or wrong under a series of rules and principles rather than the consequences of the action.

The Trolley Problem presents a criticism in that whatever decision the trolley operator makes, it’s hard to say whether that decision was “morally correct”.

<<< || Table of Contents || >>>

Author: 长洱 / Chang’er

Translator: Kinky || https://kinkytranslations.com/

Chapter 264

Hongjing Library hadn’t undergone renovation and still retained the style from the early days of the country’s founding, with lush greenery and abundant flowers and trees.

In the early years, thanks to the assistance of certain social philanthropists, the library’s collection of books was rich, comparable to some provincial-level major libraries or renowned university libraries, especially in terms of periodicals, reaching an astonishing quantity.

Lin Chen held his hand as they entered the library. At the front desk, he let go and casually introduced him to the situation of the Hongjing Library and the reason for coming here to find periodicals.

Xing Conglian was taken aback, feeling that this matter sounded familiar.

Lin Chen quickly noticed and glanced at him, helplessly shaking his head. He took a step back, assuming an attitude of “if you know it, you handle it.”

Xing Conglian also felt helpless, so he stepped forward and showed his police officer badge. They were soon led to the collection of periodicals on the top floor.

As soon as the door opened, a unique and heavy atmosphere of volumes filled the air.

The hanging lamps lit up one after another, but they couldn’t fully illuminate the vast bookshelves that seemed to stretch endlessly. The collection of books was vast, like clouds, with only a faint glimmer of light coming through the windows at the top. Despite it being late summer, Xing Conglian couldn’t help but shiver from the chill in the air.

However, Lin Chen seemed unfazed and moved among the bookshelves like a fish in water. Soon, he stopped in front of the two rows of shelves belonging to the field of psychology.

Xing Conglian followed his gaze, looking up until the very top.

Each level of the massive iron shelves was filled with collections of documents, with different shades and conditions, some new and some old. It was evident that, relying solely on their strength, finding something like “30:1103-1126” from here was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

So he asked Lin Chen if they needed help but received a negative answer.

With his hands in his pockets, Lin Chen maintained a prolonged upward gaze. His profile was blurred in the massive shadow of the bookshelves. He seemed to be immersed in deep thought, but at certain moments, he appeared extremely alert. This made Xing Conglian feel as if he was competing with some unseen opponent. Although they had never met, the shadow was real.

Finally, Lin Chen spoke. “If these numbers truly represent references from an academic journal, then ’30’ stands for a certain year’s issue or volume of a publication, and ‘1103-1126’ generally represents the corresponding page numbers.”

Xing Conglian was astonished and couldn’t help taking a step back. “Are we supposed to flip through them one by one? There are just too many.”

Lin Chen glanced at him, and from his gaze, Xing Conglian realized his frustration.

“I might not be well-educated, but you can’t do this without me!” He quickly interpreted the meaning from Lin Chen’s eyes and retorted.

However, Lin Chen turned away without a word, leaving him with his back.

Xing Conglian widened his eyes, about to say something, but then realized that Lin Chen’s target was the few old computers by the innermost bookshelf.

Those computers were probably the oldest models one could find in the city, with heavy monitors and trackballs in the mouse. Post-00s would probably never have seen such huge devices.

But Lin Chen seemed to be familiar with them. He tapped on each keyboard, finding that none of the screens lit up. So he bent down and plugged in one of the computers, then waited with some delay for the even slower boot-up process.

Xing Conglian walked over and asked, “Why don’t we get Wang Chao to handle this?”

“Because it’s simple enough not to need him,” Lin Chen replied.

They waited for quite a while until the computer finally turned on.

Lin Chen opened a scholarly search software and casually entered the string of numbers. He sorted the documents based on the number of citations.

The computer screen was very dim, as if it was about to lose power, and then the page slowly unfolded.

Xing Conglian stood beside Lin Chen, looking down.

On the screen were densely packed paper titles, with “30:1103-1126” highlighted in red. These numbers mostly appeared in the references section, indicating that Lin Chen’s direction was correct.

Mortality associated with influenza and respiratory syncytial virus in the United States.

……

Communication system having unified messaging…

The papers covered various fields, but Lin Chen’s speed was very steady. He kept scrolling the pages up and down. During this process, Xing Conglian saw two papers related to psychology and wanted to stop Lin Chen. However, when he looked at Lin Chen, he noticed that his gaze was calm and composed. He decisively skipped those two papers, as if he had a clear goal and was just looking for something specific.

Due to Lin Chen’s clear direction and purpose, Xing Conglian had a bad feeling. Lin Chen seemed too familiar with this process, as if he had experienced it before.

The document library was extremely quiet, and only the desktop computer hummed softly. Xing Conglian felt as if he was watching Lin Chen enter another realm, and he couldn’t help but want to interrupt the process and pull Lin Chen out of it.

“How can you be sure that this economic paper is not what we’re looking for?” He pointed to a paper and asked Lin Chen.

“Because there is no hyphen between the keywords ‘1103’ and ‘1126’,” Lin Chen replied.

“What exactly are you looking for, and can I help? Is it possible that the paper you’re looking for is not in English but in French, Russian, Chinese, or something else?”

“No,” Lin Chen interrupted him, and his hand, which was dragging the mouse, came to a halt.

“Why not?”

“Because English is the most widely used language in the world,” Lin Chen said.

Xing Conglian really wanted to ask what it meant for a language to be the most widely used, but Lin Chen had already opened one of the papers and mumbled to himself, “Found it.”

—On the conflicts between biological and social evolution and between psychology and moral tradition.

The author was Doland T. Campbell¹, and it was published in the <American Psychologist>². Xing Conglian noticed that the publication date of this paper was 1975.

¹Was an American social scientist. He is noted for his work in methodology. He coined the term evolutionary epistemology and developed a selectionist theory of human creativity.
²A peer-reviewed academic journal published by the American Psychological Association. The journal publishes articles of broad interest to psychologists, including empirical reports and scholarly reviews covering science, practice, education, and policy, and occasionally publishes special issues on relevant topics in the field of psychology.

1975, that seemed quite ancient.

“Is this the one?” he asked uncertainly.

But Lin Chen had already taken out a ballpoint pen from his pocket and copied a series of numbers in his palm. Then, he shut down the computer and returned to the iron bookshelves, beginning to search through the thousands of bound documents using the labels.

Xing Conglian could barely keep up with this sudden change of pace. The library was so empty that he had to fill the silence with his voice. “Can’t we just download it directly? Do we have to go back to find the original?”

Lin Chen didn’t answer him but mechanically moved his gaze, scanning through rows of new and old books and magazines. Finally, he stopped at a certain spot.

“Is it here? Are we looking for 1975?” Xing Conglian asked.

But Lin Chen stood rigidly in place, opening his palm, glancing at the numbers, and then raising his head, but he suddenly froze.

Xing Conglian’s bad premonition grew stronger. He noticed that the ballpoint pen in Lin Chen’s palm was even soaked with sweat.

Following Lin Chen’s gaze upward, Xing Conglian looked at the row of <American Psychologist>: 1973, 1974, 1976, 1977…

1974, 1976…

He finally realized why Lin Chen was so tense. Among this row of journals, there was no volume for 1975.

Perhaps someone had taken it early, or there might be some other reason for its disappearance. But no matter what, the missing volume seemed to be related to the person who sent them the message to come here.

And the missing 1975 volume answered his previous question—why they couldn’t download the original directly.

Xing Conglian patted Lin Chen’s shoulder, and the latter trembled. He finally clenched his fist and said, “Xing Conglian, put on your gloves and take down these volumes.”

Lin Chen spoke while clearly padding his foot, using his fingertips to glide over several volumes from around 1975.

Xing Conglian didn’t know what Lin Chen was going to do, but he still found a ladder leaning in the corner as instructed, climbed up, and retrieved those few books.

The moment he pulled open the heavy periodicals, he understood why Lin Chen asked him to do this. It was another extremely precise judgment.

Among the four volumes he took out, the missing 1975 bound volume lay there.

In the light, dust floated, and the thick collection lay quietly in the space behind the books. Xing Conglian was motionless for a moment until Lin Chen’s voice awakened him.

“Did you find it?” Lin Chen asked.

Xing Conglian lowered his head, and Lin Chen looked up at him from below, his brows showing anxiety.

“It’s back there,” he said.

Lin Chen’s face turned deathly pale at a visible speed. Xing Conglian put the four volumes back in their place, climbed down the ladder, nodded at Lin Chen, and then looked at the desk by the window, gesturing for Lin Chen to go there and talk.

Lin Chen slowly dragged a backrest chair; his clothes were thin, and he sat down like an elderly person on the verge of death. The summer sunlight outside couldn’t warm him.

“Can you tell me what we’re going to find here?” Xing Conglian asked while pressing his gloved hand on the book.

“I don’t know,” Lin Chen replied.

“But you knew to come here, knew that a simple online database search wouldn’t work, knew how to find the exact paper with just a few numbers in this vast library. You even knew where this ‘missing’ periodical was hidden. I think you should know what you’re looking for here,” Xing Conglian asked very calmly.

“Perhaps I’ll find a word,” Lin Chen answered simply.

“What word?”

“Blind arbiters.”

“What does this word mean?”

“Blind arbiters can be translated as ‘blind arbitrators’. It has nothing to do with sports or politics and is commonly found in books about human morality and human evolution. It probably refers to the fact that the natural environment has no intention when selecting species. The work of nature is purely mechanical, so the role nature plays is more like that of a blind arbitrator.”

“I don’t understand,” Xing Conglian said straightforwardly.

“Because nature is blind, it is not as meticulous, cautious, and careful as early humans thought. We cannot find any sense of fairness and spiritual comfort in the blind nature. This also leads to a consequence…”

Lin Chen’s profound gaze shifted over, and even though it was a very dull and stereotypical academic topic, Xing Conglian couldn’t help but shiver along.

“What consequence?”

“So, both the formation of the natural world and the formation of human society are merely terrible accidents. The world has no ultimate purpose, no so-called order and reason, and of course, there is no ‘good’ or ‘evil’ that we humans create.”

Lin Chen stopped talking.

Xing Conglian thought of the “Moral Tradition” at the end of the paper’s title and also thought of the choice Lin Chen had made before. This association had no logical basis, but he didn’t ask further. Instead, he chose to open the journal in front of him and flip to page 1103.

The white paper reflected the dazzling sunlight, and each English character looked uneven. Before him lay an area he had never touched before; a territory belonging to Lin Chen.

Xing Conglian’s eyes quickly scanned the page and stopped soon after because he saw that someone had written a sentence in very small pencil letters within the book’s seams.

The handwriting was gentle, and the tone was like a whisper, but it made one feel like falling into an abyss.

—My Dear, did you make the right choice?

Someone asked like so.

<<< || Table of Contents || >>>

Author: 长洱 / Chang’er

Translator: Kinky || https://kinkytranslations.com/

Chapter 263

Xing Conglian felt as if cold water had been poured over his head.

Lin Chen’s deep black eyes held no tears, appearing calm and hopeless, devoid of vitality.

Xing Conglian’s mind went blank for a moment, and it took a while for his rationality to return, but the sense of panic still lingered.

However, he was well aware that if he lost control now, Lin Chen would have no one to rely on.

Therefore, he slowly sat up and pulled Lin Chen up as well. They sat cross-legged facing each other on the empty bed board, with an arm’s length between them, like adults who had no romantic relationship, engaging in conversation.

Xing Conglian took a deep breath and spoke seriously, “Setting aside our romantic relationship, Consultant Lin, you must understand that I am your superior.”

“I understand.” Lin Chen tried to gather his strength, but Xing Conglian knew that his current state was very strained.

“At such a critical juncture, I must have a clear understanding of your mental condition to determine if you can continue in your position.”

Lin Chen nodded. Sitting cross-legged, he exposed a pale ankle in the sunlight. “I understand, Captain Xing.”

“Therefore, based on my trust in your professional abilities, I now, in my capacity as your superior, request that you perform a self-diagnosis of your mental state.”

Lin Chen had already guessed that he would make such a request. He slowly turned around, picked up the phone from the bedside table again, and opened another page before handing it over.

Xing Conglian glanced at Lin Chen, then lowered his head and slowly scrolled through the page’s information.

Beck Depression Inventory* (BDI-21)

*Created by Aaron T. Beck, is a 21-question multiple-choice self-report inventory, one of the most widely used psychometric tests for measuring the severity of depression. Its development marked a shift among mental health professionals, who had until then, viewed depression from a psychodynamic perspective, instead of it being rooted in the patient’s own thoughts.

Test Instructions:

Please carefully read each item and select the appropriate response based on your actual situation (in the past week, including today) from the four options provided after each question…

Question:

1. Mood

……

As Xing Conglian followed the selections made by Lin Chen, he continuously scrolled down the page. Each line of options brought him closer to understanding Lin Chen’s true mental state.

By the end, he didn’t even need to look at the score to understand why Lin Chen had laid such a long foundation earlier.

Item 1

Factor Name: Total Score

Factor Score: 41.00*

*Clarity: A score of 41 means severe depression (which is within the worse range 30-63).

He put down the phone, and when he looked up, Lin Chen’s mind seemed to be wandering, lost in thought.

“41 points. According to the standard in our country, I should go see a psychologist. But luckily, I am one myself,” Lin Chen said. “But it doesn’t mean that I have depression. I just assessed my short-term state.”

Xing Conglian pondered for a moment and calmly asked, “So, how long will this condition last? Do you need medication, and to what extent will it affect your work?”

“As soon as I woke up, I felt this abnormality, and this state of mental depression has been worsening over time.” Lin Chen maintained a sharp and professional posture, but his tone was slow. “Just before you came in, the instant I found my phone, I suddenly wondered why I was doing all this. We cannot achieve victory. I felt an overwhelming darkness in life, and everything became meaningless.” He paused for a long while before continuing, “So, I stopped and found the SDS scale, and I did a self-assessment. The results weren’t good.” Lin Chen finished speaking and looked up at Xing Conglian. “You should also sense that I have signs of psychomotor retardation. And when we were lying on this bed just now, I had a strong desire to continue lying there, doing nothing, until death.”

Lin Chen spoke with utmost seriousness, as if reporting his work to a superior, but it was more like the most brutal self-analysis. “I feel very down and depressed right now. I desperately want to experience the joy that normal people feel and make life full of hope, so I want to go find Shen Lian.”

“I disagree,” Xing Conglian replied. He paused and continued, “I won’t agree to you seeking help from Shen Lian for the purpose of obtaining relief through medication. Similarly, if you were to go to Xiao Zhan to obtain TERN isomers, I would stop you as well.”

Lin Chen suddenly looked up, and Xing Conglian watched as his lover became visibly choked up. This was not the emotional response that Lin Chen would have under normal circumstances.

But then, Lin Chen forcefully composed his emotions. If the concept of a soul truly existed, the part belonging to Lin Chen himself would undoubtedly be incredibly resilient and persistent.

Lin Chen said, “Thank you, but you also know very well, Captain Xing, that you don’t have any other choice. I have to go find Shen Lian, although not right now.”

Xing Conglian said, “All of this is based on the premise that you still have the ability to continue.”

“I have two reasons to prove that I can and should continue,” Lin Chen said clearly and precisely. “First, this is the normal acute withdrawal symptom during the detoxification phase. Xiao Wu experienced a period of time after stopping the medication and has already made a significant recovery. This case proves that I should also have the ability to overcome the effects of the medication. Second, if I stop working now and wait for research to progress to alleviate the physiological condition, then it might truly be too late.”

Lin Chen presented his arguments in a formal report-like manner, and Xing Conglian watched him, longing to pull him close and hold him tightly in his arms. But he also understood that Lin Chen didn’t need that kind of sympathy.

Therefore, he maintained his professional attitude and asked, “On the second point, why will it be too late?”

“During our conversation just now, I suddenly realized that the person orchestrating this grand situation, I think, I might know them.” Lin Chen’s voice sounded buzzing and somewhat low. “I need to go to the library, translate that message, and verify this.”

After saying those words, Lin Chen bowed down, as if he had used up all his strength.

Xing Conglian felt Lin Chen’s forehead against his shoulder, and he lowered his head to see Lin Chen’s black hair. He then opened his palm and firmly held the back of Lin Chen’s head, embracing him tightly.

He kissed the top of Lin Chen’s head, abandoning all sense of responsibility as a superior.

“Thank you, Xing Conglian,” Lin Chen said.

……

Lin Chen was always at the world’s leading level when it came to persuading people.

After the conversation, Lin Chen seemed to have regained some composure, but Xing Conglian was certain that it was a facade to reassure Wang Chao when they walked out of the door.

The Hongjing Library was very close to their home, about a ten-minute walk away.

Although time was tight now and using a computer for literature retrieval would be faster, since Lin Chen wanted to go to the library, Xing Conglian was more than happy to accompany him for a walk outside.

For a total score of 41, it was recommended Lin Chen should confide in someone or vent appropriately when feeling depressed, make an effort to recall past happy experiences, and engage in activities that bring joy. It was also advised to set goals and make plans for one’s life and work. It was recommended to seek professional psychological counseling and treatment as soon as possible.

Xing Conglian recited the advice he had just read once again, and when he looked up, Lin Chen had already walked ahead of him.

At noon, there weren’t many elderly people strolling in the alley, and the shop owners either gathered together for lunch or dozed off at their counters.

Xing Conglian quickened his pace, wanting to catch up and walk side by side with Lin Chen.

Just then, an old man from a nearby souvenir shop came out to bid farewell to a customer. Lin Chen took a quick step forward, deliberately keeping a less intimate distance from him.

Xing Conglian narrowed his eyes, recalling many similar situations in his mind. They had walked this road together many times, but it was the first time he noticed this kind of detail about Lin Chen.

Taking advantage of the moment when Lin Chen nodded and greeted the old man, he brushed against Lin Chen’s side, took his hand, and held it tightly.

Lin Chen’s body visibly tensed, but the old man seemed to have not noticed the scene and turned back into the shop.

“Consultant Lin, how come I didn’t notice when you were pursuing me? Your attitude towards same-sex relationships is unexpectedly conservative.” Of course, he was referring to the moment when Lin Chen pushed him against the wall and kissed him forcefully. Thinking of this, he couldn’t help but click his tongue.

Lin Chen didn’t pull his hand away but instead held it back and simply said, “Society’s acceptance hasn’t reached a level where everyone takes it for granted. There’s no need to deliberately challenge anything…”

“Consultant Lin, if it were still a feudal society, all of these people would be tenants. Have you ever seen a feudal novel where the landlord considers the feelings of the tenants?” Xing Conglian held Lin Chen’s hand. His skin was delicate, and his knuckles were well-proportioned. Xing Conglian held it with great satisfaction, to the point where his tone became natural.

When he said this, Lin Chen finally turned his head and glanced at him.

“I didn’t hide it from you. I told you the first time I took you home,” Xing Conglian interjected, “Where else can you find an honest man like me?”

Hearing this, a helpless expression finally appeared on Lin Chen’s face. However, he didn’t refute him with words, which greatly satisfied Xing Conglian’s vanity.

They had walked this path together many times, with gentle sunlight and the late summer river presenting a lush green color of aquatic plants, creating a sense of tranquility.

When he initially chose to live here, it was because the area was peaceful and had a high level of sophistication, making it suitable as a quiet residence for retirement. However, now the words “retirement” had become a dreadful curse.

Xing Conglian had considered more than once that when Consultant Lin and he pooled their money to buy a new house and pay the down payment, they should first consider things like feng shui. And it would be better to buy a commercial property with only two rooms—a master bedroom and a study—because if there were more rooms, Wang Chao would want to move in too…

But as these thoughts wandered in his mind, they were dispersed by the breeze. Their palms pressed together, and the warmth grew.

Xing Conglian glanced to his side, with Lin Chen walking on his right. His footsteps were light, and his figure was slender yet powerful. His profile was particularly handsome, with his hair growing slightly longer since he hadn’t had time to trim it, covering his ears a bit but still revealing their contours, making people itch to pinch them.

Being the proactive type he was, Xing Conglian immediately raised his other hand and gently brushed away Lin Chen’s dark hair, lightly touching his ears.

Lin Chen immediately turned around; a look of astonishment flashed in his eyes, but he didn’t resist, just appearing somewhat bewildered.

In any case, he looked incredibly adorable.

No pedestrians passed by around them. Xing Conglian took a step back, leaning against a willow tree by the water. He pulled Lin Chen closer, cradling the back of his head, and lowered his head to lick Lin Chen’s lips, feeling a slight dryness, yet they were incredibly soft.

Lin Chen still had his eyes open, looking up at him. The sunlight seeped through the gaps in the leaves, and perhaps because of this, Lin Chen’s previously slightly stern features softened.

Xing Conglian carefully traced the contours of Lin Chen’s face, then lowered his head again and kissed him.

Their teeth touched gently, their mouths warm and sweet, like a dream.

As the breeze blew, Lin Chen closed his eyes and finally embraced him.

Kinky Thoughts:

Generally speaking, even if one is a professional psychologist, they really shouldn’t treat themselves. While as experts they can identify their illness and issues, they have their own biases of themselves, which could affect treatment. There are things (such as the test Lin Chen did) that can help bring some clarity and give them some objectiveness, but it’s still best to see another professional to treat oneself.

Though, many don’t as they fear the stigma (ironically).

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Author: 长洱 / Chang’er

Translator: Kinky || https://kinkytranslations.com/

Chapter 262

Len Chen was very sharp. Upon hearing the words, he rolled over and propped himself up to look at Xing Conglian. With Xing Conglian’s handsome face very close to his nose, Lin Chen raised an eyebrow and keenly remarked, “So, did you peek at my messages?”

“There’s a unified security process in place. The system filters the messages you receive, and if any abnormal information is detected, there will be an alert.” Xing Conglian pulled Lin Chen down and laid back in their previous position. “Look, it’s for your safety, baby. You have to trust me; I would never peek at your messages, and the keywords are definitely not something like ‘darling’ or ‘see you at the usual place tomorrow night’. But this message looked too much like spam, so it slipped through.” Xing Conglian joked, “Besides, I didn’t know if that little brat Wang Chao told you, but later, I’ll go bear that kid up to vent my anger.”

“Actually, I don’t mind if you peek at my messages,” Lin Chen said.

“I really didn’t peek.”

“For others, reading someone’s messages implies a lack of trust or something like that, but for me, if you actually did it, I would be happy,” Lin Chen said. “It would mean that you care about me—that you lack a sense of security in our relationship, afraid that I might run off with someone else. It’s a sign of insecurity. Honestly, I’m not someone who feels very secure either. I also need these normal and ordinary details that come up in a relationship to ascertain that you love me.”

The sound of flowing water outside the window became clearer and clearer. Lin Chen’s breath fell on his neck and chest, while the tone of their conversation flowed like clean and clear water, with each word hitting him in the heart.

Xing Conglian let out a long sigh. Lin Chen always spoke so straightforwardly, making it impossible to resist. He once again found himself in a situation where, no matter how hard he tried to love Lin Chen, it never seemed enough.

But he couldn’t help but wonder if they could still lie down together and talk when they grew older. It would be a truly fortunate life for him if he could still hear Lin Chen’s views on love.

“I love you. I’m very certain of it,” Xing Conglian said.

……

Lin Chen rested his head on Xing Conglian’s shoulder.

The bed had no soft mattress or bedsheet, and the rough feeling was very uncomfortable.

Xing Conglian’s shoulder joint was stiff, and his chest was wrapped in strong muscles underneath the shoulder. Lin Chen had to lean against this position, which was quite uncomfortable.

Seeing Xing Conglian’s posture, Lin Chen knew that he hadn’t had much experience in relationships. His movements were stiff, but luckily, the feeling of his voice constantly passing through his chest and into his ears was pleasant. Therefore, he changed his strategy.

He turned to his side and reached out to embrace the other person’s waist. Feeling like it wasn’t enough, he also pressed his leg on top.

This action wasn’t aesthetically pleasing, but it was very comfortable and reassuring.

Because of the comfort, they could talk more and go deeper.

“We haven’t finished talking about your grandmother,” Lin Chen patted Xing Conglian’s buttocks and said softly.

Xing Conglian kissed his ear and calmly said, “My grandmother ultimately committed suicide.” Xing Conglian’s voice was long and distant. “She ate a bullet and died a heroic death.”

Lin Chen wasn’t surprised. From the moment Xing Conglian mentioned it, he believed this was the inevitable outcome.

The clouds outside the window glided by in a soothing and unpredictable manner. Lin Chen closed his eyes and asked in a low voice, “Some kind of mental or psychological illness?”

“Alzheimer’s*. I was still young back then and didn’t understand much,” Xing Conglian said. “But even then, I wondered, why is the human brain so strange? My grandmother had such a grand and magnificent life, but as she grew old, she became like an extremely immature child, gradually forgetting everything. I remember when she saw me for the last time, she mistook me for her childhood playmate and pulled me, wanting to ride a black bear.”

*Neurodegenerative disease that usually starts slowly and progressively worsens. It is the cause of 60–70% of cases of dementia. The most common early symptom is difficulty in remembering recent events. As the disease advances, symptoms can include problems with language, disorientation (including easily getting lost), mood swings, loss of motivation, self-neglect, and behavioral issues. As a person’s condition declines, they often withdraw from family and society. Gradually, bodily functions are lost, ultimately leading to death.

As Xing Conglian spoke of this past, his tone carried confusion and puzzlement, but Lin Chen was certain that Xing Conglian had a purpose in telling this story.

However, at this moment, he just wanted to listen to Xing Conglian talk about his past.

“And then?”

“And then… there was no ‘then’. The family couldn’t do anything about it because it’s an incurable disease. And since my grandma had the highest seniority in the family, all they could do was bring her a docile black bear. It had to be ensured that the bear wouldn’t harm anyone, had a gentle temperament, and also prevented the old lady from shooting the bear. In short, those years were chaotic in our household. Then, one day, the old lady regained her consciousness, or rather, her condition worsened. But we preferred to believe the former—that she was very clear when she made that choice. Though it was just a brief moment, she chose a bottle of vodka in her left hand and a revolver in her right hand, and in an extremely heroic and interesting way, she ended her life.”

Xing Conglian’s tone wasn’t sorrowful, and Lin Chen didn’t feel it was a sad story either.

“To live brilliantly and die with dignity—many people long for that,” he said.

“I thought you would comfort me.”

“I’m not that conventional,” Lin Chen said. “And by the way, your family’s pet is really creative.”

“That’s nothing. Next time, I’ll take you home to see the little creatures I’ve raised,” Xing Conglian proudly said.

Lin Chen knew that the words “take you home” were heartfelt and sincere.

But at this moment, he still had to break this atmosphere.

“The story is good, with a cruel beauty, but did you misunderstand something?” He forcefully sat up, patted Xing Conglian’s abs, and said, “My situation is not the same as your grandmother’s.”

“Although the specific directions may be different, the problems here are fundamentally connected.” Xing Conglian raised his hand very knowingly and pointed at the center of Lin Chen’s brows. “So, Consultant Lin, I will do everything I can, but the only one I have been powerless against is you. What is your current condition? Please perform a self-diagnosis. I’m making this request as your lover and as your superior.”

“I have been asking myself that question too.” Lin Chen held Xing Conglian’s fingertip and kissed it, then let go of his hand and got off the bed.

Xing Conglian looked at the wrinkles on Lin Chen’s shirt, revealing a glimpse of his waist that was exposed when Xing Conglian lifted it.

He watched as Lin Chen bent down and took two bottles of lemon-flavored soda from the cupboard, unscrewed the caps, handed one bottle over, and sat back on the bed, speaking in an extremely calm tone. “In fact, Shen Lian needs something. It becomes a shackle around my neck—that’s when it becomes interesting.”

Lin Chen said this.

“So what?”

“So this involves the essence of the medication, the underlying purpose of the puppet master.” Lin Chen paused. “We know that this medication’s side effects make people become manic and lose themselves, but Xiao Wu’s recovery, including my temporary clarity, also tells us that high doses of the drug taken in a short period of time won’t drive people completely insane. It metabolizes quickly, allowing temporary recovery. That’s why this medication needs to be taken long-term, right?”

“You can say that.”

Lin Chen nodded and took out his phone. A message from Su Fengzi appeared on the screen.

“Fengzi just went to Hongjing Hospital and obtained similar results…”

He said up to this point, but Xing Conglian interrupted him.

“I’ve never seen such an elusive person. So, does Three Graves really exist? Is Su Fengzi the leader of Thee Graves, or is it you?” Xing Conglian asked.

“Don’t bring up that which doesn’t need to be brought up.” Lin Chen glared at him and bent down to give him a punishing kiss. “Listen to me…”

“Kiss me again, and I’ll listen to you.”

Xing Conglian was extremely stubborn, and taking advantage of Lin Chen’s distraction, he pulled him back onto the bed, seriously threatening him. “Please, Consultant Lin, continue speaking in this posture. If you move around again, I’ll change positions.”

Lin Chen had no choice but to adjust his sleeping position, resting his head on Xing Conglian’s chest, lying on his side, and spoke in a soft voice. “Fengzi also reviewed the cases from Yongchuan Hospital. We can observe that a small number of patients have regained their consciousness. This indicates that although the same medication has different effects on different individuals, overall, everyone is improving.”

“Then what is the shackle, Consultant Lin?” Xing Conglian asked sternly.

“Most psychiatric drugs work by affecting the brain’s neurotransmitters, which in itself is quite amusing. We always think we can control ourselves, but in reality, whether it’s dopamine, acetylcholine, serotonin, norepinephrine, or others, these subtle changes in neurotransmitters can fundamentally alter a person. It can lead to addiction or a range of psychiatric disorders. It can make you a saint or a madman,” Lin Chen said while gently stroking his furrowed brow, his voice unusually gentle.

Xing Conglian’s heart felt as though it had been tightly squeezed, and he shuddered all over, even more fearful because of Lin Chen’s calmness.

But in this tender yet chilling moment, he, in a fleeting instant, felt that he had grasped the key to the entire situation. He seemed to realize what the puppet master behind the scenes truly wanted to achieve, but he couldn’t quite capture that crucial point.

He believed that Lin Chen must understand more, but at this moment, Lin Chen couldn’t verbally tell him the truth of the whole matter.

“It’s like when you’re in a dream; it’s difficult to realize that you’re dreaming,” Lin Chen said. “All human thought processes rely on the coordinated action of brain neurons and these neurotransmitters. If you ask me what changes Shen Lian’s medication will bring to the brain, I can tell you with certainty that it likely affects monoamine neurotransmitters*. Like all drugs, it has different stages. In the initial stage, it can cause a loss of rationality and agitation. In the relaxation phase, it can induce a sense of ease and calmness. And in the declining phase, after the neurotransmitter levels in the brain have fluctuated, it can trigger a series of physiological compensatory or antagonistic reactions. I don’t know exactly how it works.”

*Neurotransmitters and neuromodulators that contain one amino group connected to an aromatic ring by a two-carbon chain, such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. They are used in monoaminergic systems, which regulate the process of things like emotion, arousal, and certain types of memory.

Lin Chen’s tone was calm as he lay there on Xing Conglian’s chest, gazing serenely at him. But just speaking these few sentences seemed to drain all the strength from Lin Chen’s body. “Xing Conglian, I lied to you just now. I’m feeling very uneasy right now, and I really want to go find Shen Lian, truly.”

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