Author: 年终 / Nian Zhong
Translator: Kinky || https://kinkytranslations.com/
Chapter 65: Horror Comedy
Lu Yang felt like everything was a nightmare.
He knew the other eight people in his team, but none of them were close.
They were all adventure enthusiasts who had chatted online for a long time. Last year, they formed a ten-person group to explore an uninhabited area.
Back then, they were young and reckless, convinced those safety warnings were exaggerated. With ten people and good prep, how bad could it be?
…Then they got lost. The signal was lost, resources ran out, and they nearly all perished.
Two people died in the wilderness, and the rest were carried out by rescue teams.
The incident got moderate media attention. The authorities just used them as a cautionary tale, warning non-professionals to stay away from uninhabited areas. But only the survivors knew the truth: those two deaths weren’t simple “accidents”.
After they got lost, one person was bitten by some kind of insect and developed a high fever.
They were just internet acquaintances. No one wanted to drag along dead weight.
The guy with the pierced lip was the first to speak up. Everyone was struggling to survive, so they might as well abandon the sick one. It was better to take all the resources and increase everyone else’s chances.
Lu Yang couldn’t bear it and voiced his opposition, only to be told, “Then you take care of him.”
So Lu Yang fell silent.
Another girl also seemed unwilling. Ever since they abandoned the sick person, she hadn’t said a word. As things got more desperate, her mind began to unravel.
She would cry when lucid and scream things like “We’ll all get punished” and “I’m calling the police.” during episodes. Until one morning, Lu Yang woke to find the girl gone and somehow, there was some extra meat at the camp.
In a daze, he asked the others and was told. “She was in a bad state. Might as well make use of her.”
They said there were lots of wild animals in this uninhabited area. It was better to just toss the body far away; no one would know.
They said they had no choice. She was useless, always going crazy with her episodes.
Lu Yang didn’t dare touch that meat.
But after being rescued, he said nothing. He once considered confessing the truth while facing the devastated families, but he was afraid…
If things blew up, irrational voices would emerge:
“You were so kind. Why did you let the sick guy die?”
“How do you prove you didn’t eat human meat?”
They were all hypocrites*. Everyone was just as guilty.
*The pot calling the kettle black.
And if he stood up, the other survivors would definitely retaliate and pin everything on him. There was no evidence. It was just one person’s word against another’s.
How could he face his friends and family?
He was still young. What if it ruined his future?
In the end, Lu Yang and the other seven survivors had a tacit agreement…no one would ever mention the past. They rarely even contacted each other… until they were dragged into this ritual.
So this is retribution, Lu Yang thought.
But thoughts were one thing. He still wanted to live.
Lu Yang had seen lots of media on similar topics. He knew the rule: If you’re not the expert, cling to the expert.
Now came the problem. As a newbie, you’re faced with:
A. A mysterious lone wolf who’s steeped in the metaphysics.
B. A ragtag group made up of an auntie, a blonde punk, a teenager, and a white-collar woman. Leading them is a skinny guy in a red T-shirt, with messy bangs that cover his eyes.
It was obvious who the expert was!
After benefiting from the expert and getting his fill of food and drink, Lu Yang finally relaxed. He decided to be upfront with Jiang Xun.
“Jiang Ge, my Underworld support ability is ‘corpse herding’.”
As long as he touches a human corpse, he can turn it into a puppet. But the effect only lasts for one ritual. The body resets after returning to the Tower.
Lu Yang had a whole explanation ready in his head, but Jiang Xun just gave him a quick glance and nodded casually.
So cool. Definitely a professional.
Aside from a little drama with that couple, the afternoon passed peacefully.
The newcomers started to relax and chatted about what to do at night.
“It’s too cold to sleep outside. We still need to stay in a house,” said a long-haired artsy youth.
Another guy with glasses said, “The map includes the courtyard and surrounding woods. The courtyard is the center, so the ‘E’ must be here. The main house probably has more clues but might be more dangerous.”
“What if we break a taboo going inside?”
“We shouldn’t die, right…”
As the discussion went on, Jiang Xun stood up on his own.
The front door wasn’t locked. He held a yellow talisman in his left hand and knocked on the wooden door three times with his right. “Excuse me.”
He glanced at the talisman and saw that there was no change, so he raised his hand and pushed the door open. He did the same for the two side rooms, opening their doors as well.
“No taboo triggered,” he said lightly after checking each room.
So cool.
Lu Yang sighed in relief. They were so lucky to meet a bigshot right from the start!
“Efficient.” From the corner of the courtyard, Fang Xiu wiped his hands and couldn’t help but admire.
Compared to shady Taoists who just coasted along, Fang Xiu preferred someone like Jiang Xun. The guy might not have the best intentions, but at least he was competent.
Bai Shuangying pinched his shoulder: “Stay away from that human.”
“Why?”
Bai Shuangying: “I don’t like his aura.”
After breaking dozens of chains, his senses had recovered a bit. Jiang Xun had traces of magic residue on him, a presence Bai Shuangying found as unbearable as humans find the smell of fermented stinky tofu. It wasn’t harmful but was revolting.
People with that kind of aura usually practice twisted forms of cultivation. They weren’t just hated by righteous sects, but even evil spirits despised them.
Still, the guy did have skills. Fang Xiu might not take Bai Shuangying’s opinion at face value. Just as Bai Shuangying thought that, Fang Xiu said, “Okay.”
Bai Shuangying: “?”
Was Fang Xiu too trusting?
As if reading his mind, Fang Xiu cheerfully went on peeling chestnuts. “If you’re warning me, I’m sure you have your reasons.”
Then he paused subtly.
“Just like when you don’t tell me certain things… You must have your reasons too.”
“…Mm.”
In a way, Fang Xiu’s team was pretty relaxed.
Cheng Songyun, Guan He, and Mei Lan were already used to the rhythm of the rituals. They found a sunny spot and napped. Blondie climbed onto the roof and chose to sleep there.
“I’m going to nap too. Watch the others for me.” After finishing his chestnuts, Fang Xiu stretched.
Before Bai Shuangying could respond, Fang Xiu had laid down on a warm stone slab and rested his head on Bai Shuangying’s lap. His fragile neck lay exposed, completely defenseless.
Bai Shuangying lowered his head. His long hair brushed Fang Xiu’s neck hollow.
…Sleep well.
With him here, this ritual would be safe, maybe even cozy. He’d given his human a warm place to sleep and even left him companions.
A stable, ideal environment shouldn’t bring many surprises.
Humans are fleeting. Their emotions are even harder to understand. Bai Shuangying didn’t get why Fang Xiu liked him, nor when that feeling might end.
So while Fang Xiu still liked him, he had to do his best to understand this human.
Bai Shuangying’s fingers slid from Fang Xiu’s soft ear to his neck, shoulder, and finally rested on his slim waist. Bai Shuangying remembered clearly: under the fabric were eight rough scars.
This was a rare chance, so he would slowly peel his human open and savor him.
……
After a spectacular sunset, the courtyard greeted its first night.
The air was fresh. The stars in the sky were unusually bright. If you ignored the “E”, the scene looked like a luxury retreat.
Fang Xiu yawned and woke up on Bai Shuangying’s lap. Almost no one else was in the courtyard. Only the main house’s window showed light; the side rooms were dark.
When Cheng Songyun saw Fang Xiu was awake, she rushed over. “I just checked the main house. The rooms have all been assigned.”
Out of respect for her earlier help explaining the rules, the newbies didn’t ostracize her. Once she woke up, she went to inspect the main house.
It was a classic old-style home. The living room had dark wood furniture and giant, vivid wall prints with slogans like “Longevity of Pines and Cranes” and “Peonies Bring Prosperity”.
There was a TV, a couch, and a cabinet full of bowls and utensils with not a speck of dust anywhere.
Each end of the house had a bedroom.
Both had multiple outlets, old but clean bedding, and lots of photos on the walls. This was clearly from wildly different years, but everyone in them was smiling.
If it weren’t for the stopped clocks and cracked soap, Cheng Songyun might’ve thought the owner had just stepped out for a bit.
Jiang Xun chose the small bedroom on the east as his base. The eight-person team opted to share the larger west room. The beds were limited, but there were plenty of quilts in the closet for sleeping on the floor.
“The east side room also has a guest room. We can stay there.” Cheng Songyun pointed to the opposite wing. “I checked. It’s okay. Only… it just has one double bed that’s not enough for all of us.”
Blondie grumbled, “Why’d they get to pick first?”
Fang Xiu didn’t mind. “Less karmic entanglement means more safety. The side room’s fine.”
Blondie: “…Fang Ge’s right. It’s safer in the wing. Those people are idiots anyway!”
The others were used to his 180-degree personality shifts. Guan He led the way and opened the wing room’s door…
Then jumped back in shock. Above the threshold hung a pale human face.
Its features were uneven, like a child had squished them randomly, and its mismatched eyes were full of malice.
As Guan He retreated, it grinned, revealing black and yellow sparse teeth and prepared to screech…
Whoosh!
Fang Xiu rushed up and caught the head like a basketball, yanking it down with a bounce like he was harvesting turnips.
The head struggled madly, but with a few cracking sounds, Fang Xiu pulled it off.
In the dark, the body rustled away. The head twitched, then went limp.
Everyone: “?”
Fang Xiu looked sad. “What a waste. There’s not much meat on the head.”
Everyone: “……”
Guan He suddenly felt so tired he couldn’t even muster the strength to be scared. He vaguely felt it was unnecessary to retreat just now.
Now that he thought about it, the thing was just…ugly? Being ugly wasn’t so bad…
Thus began the chaotic night.
Cheng Songyun lit the indoor stove for some light.
In the flickering fire, a pair of bluish-white feet approached. It paused when illuminated by the firelight and moved silently when it was in the shadows.
As it got closer to Cheng Songyun’s back…
Snap.
Fang Xiu activated his anomaly skill and flipped on the lights. The warm glow lit every corner causing the severed feet to freeze in confusion.
Fang Xiu threw a bed sheet over it and pounced like a cat.
The ghost feet flailed like rabbits, but their nails couldn’t scratch through the sheet.
Mei Lan poured “Holy Water” on them, and they went limp. Fang Xiu tied them up and hung them next to the ghost head, right beside garlic and chili peppers. It actually looked pretty harmonious.
Cheng Songyun opened her mouth to comment… then closed it.
Bai Shuangying’s mouth twitch. “That’s unnecessary.”
Fang Xiu insisted, “The head and feet don’t look that good. It’s better save them as rations.”
Meanwhile, Guan He turned on the old TV.
Through static, a shadow appeared. Guan He didn’t even flinch. He just stared at the black shadow for a moment and turned to Fang Xiu. “Fang Ge, there’s one here too!”
Five minutes later, under the ghost jerky hung a jar of pickled ghost. A translucent hand weakly patted the lid, looking deeply aggrieved.
Fang Xiu wiped his sweat, satisfied.
This thing had a nice texture. Bai Shuangying could snack on it if he gets hungry.
There was lots of yin energy around the E, so there were plenty of evil spirits at night. But if they were so rare during the day…Where had they all gone?
Fang Xiu tugged on the ghost hand and fell into thought.
Meanwhile, Guan He managed to tune the TV to a working channel. The very first program that popped up was the evening news. The anchorman’s firm and upright tone plunged the room into a brief silence.
Bathed in that aura of righteous authority, Cheng Songyun quietly fetched a few buckets of water from the courtyard to boil for washing and soaking feet.
Fang Xiu, having secured enough ghost provisions, got hungry himself and took out some canned food and roast chicken to warm by the stove.
Outside, the moon was bright. The stars twinkled, the insects chirped, and even wild birds could be heard cooing. Inside, the electric lights glowed, the television played the news, the stove boiled water, and the chicken skin crackled in the fire.
Compared to the previous Huanxi E, this place’s atmosphere was like heaven on earth.
Blondie muttered, “Why does this ritual feel like a fucking countryside B&B? One more chicken and we’ll all live happily ever after.”
No one refuted him.
To be fair, the accommodations here deserved four stars. The fifth star was only missing because of the unrelenting wave of evil spirits.
All in all? Not bad.
……
Back in the main house guest room…
“I can’t take it anymore! There’s a ghost pulling my hair!”
The curly-haired woman was wailing. Her eye makeup was completely ruined and there were black streaks running down her face. The pierced-lip guy looked pale, holding his girlfriend and murmuring reassurances.
Lu Yang huddled in a corner, absolutely exhausted but afraid to fall asleep.
These Underworld rituals were seriously messed up. After nightfall, everything in the house changed…
From the wardrobe came faint baby cries. From the walls came wet, scratching sounds. The blanket was neatly spread, yet a greenish-white ghost hand drooped limply from its edge.
They all rushed to Jiang Xun for yellow talismans, but they were like a drop in the bucket.
The baby’s cries vanished, only for a sharp, screeching children’s song to take its place. The wall-scratching sounds stopped, and became rhythmic creaking from the rafters, like something heavy was swinging.
One person couldn’t take it and tried to jump out the window. The moment they pulled back the curtain, they saw a glass pane full of twisted, deformed faces. They grinned together, mouths pitch-black.
There was no way to get any rest.
And yet, they couldn’t keep running to Jiang Xun.
Last time they asked for help, his face already showed hints of impatience.
He wasn’t obligated to protect them. If they annoyed him over this, they’d have bigger problems later.
What now… Why didn’t any of them have exorcism abilities?
Lu Yang was still racking his brain when the others started arguing…
“This is all your fault!” The artsy guy from earlier pointed at the pierced-lip man. “You broke a taboo earlier! That’s why all the evil spirits showed up!”
The glasses guy adjusted his specs. “Yeah, I think so too. Master Jiang’s side has barely any trouble.”
The pierced-lip man was already aching from his wounds. Hearing this, he exploded. “You talking shit about me? You’re as useless as a fart! You think I wanted to break a taboo?!”
“Then you two go sleep in the living room!” A gloomy woman’s voice spoke from the corner.
“I stay or go, what’s it to you?”
“We’re all getting no sleep, how are we supposed to clear the E?”
“Ahhhh it’s pulling my hair again!!”
Lu Yang was about to go insane. He clutched his head and squeezed his eyes shut but as soon as he did a chilly wind crawled down his neck. It was like something exhaling cold air against his skin.
At the same time, something sticky flowed out of his ears. It was too cold so it couldn’t be blood. It squirmed slowly and forcefully, releasing a nauseating stench.
“I’ve had enough!” Lu Yang finally snapped. “If none of you are going, I will!”
He grabbed his blanket and stormed off to the living room couch. Seeing this, the artsy guy perked up and dragged the glasses guy with him. Others followed in silence. Soon, the bedroom was left with only the couple.
The pierced-lip guy yanked open the curtains. The glass was still packed with distorted faces. They smiled even wider now, their pupils flattened by the glass while slime slowly dripped down.
“Fuck,” he cursed, shivering, and snapped the curtain shut. Then he slung on his backpack.
The curly-haired girl’s eyes was hazy, filled with tears. “Babe?”
“We’re not staying here. This damn ritual. Screw it.” He cursed, “That bunch of losers are useless. No point in sticking around.”
Curly-haired girl: “But it’s dangerous outside. Shouldn’t we go ask Master Jiang again?”
“Ask, ask, ask… What’s the point? Those talismans don’t even work.” The pierced-lip guy shouted, “He doesn’t give a damn! We might as well take our chances outside. Maybe the ghosts only haunt the house.”
The curly-haired girl trembled all over. Something instinctual told her she shouldn’t leave the main group and the courtyard.
But something kept tugging at her hair. Invisible hands yanked her toward the ceiling beam… She wanted to run. She couldn’t take it anymore.
While she hesitated, the pierced-lip guy gave her a nasty look.
“What? You think I’m bad luck too?”
“No, babe…”
“Then pick—either hang with them or come with me!”
Soon, the two shouldered their bags and, under their teammates’ wary gazes, opened the door and left the main house.
Lu Yang asked weakly, “Where are you going?”
The pierced-lip guy ignored him and didn’t even look back.
Outside the courtyard, the woods seemed surprisingly normal.
The moon was bright, the leaves rustled in the breeze, and the insects chirped clearly. There were no signs of any evil spirits.
In the distance, you could even see the twinkling lights of a town.
The curly-haired girl was missing a shoe, hobbling as she walked.
Not long after, she cried out. She’d stepped on a sharp twig.
“Baby, I can’t walk anymore. Carry me.” Now that no ghosts had shown up, her mood improved a little. The pierced-lip guy said nothing and just bent down and let her climb on his back.
She hugged his neck.
“There are no more ghosts pulling my hair. Babe, you were right. The ghosts were just in the house. They totally blamed you for nothing!”
“All the weird stuff happened in that courtyard… It’s definitely the house. Babe, if we can’t make it out tonight, we can build a treehouse in the woods…”
“…Babe, why aren’t you saying anything?”
She had been babbling for several minutes when she suddenly sensed something was wrong.
Her boyfriend was too quiet. Eerily quiet.
A cold wind blew through her hair…then stung her skin. The wind picked up violently, making it hard for her to breathe.
But the pierced-lip guy carrying her kept walking forward, totally unaffected.
“Ba-Babe…”
The curly-haired girl lifted her head and found that her boyfriend’s head had somehow turned 180 degrees at some point. He was still carrying her, but his face was now also facing her.
His pupils had vanished, and the corners of his mouth were grinning exaggeratedly. Inside his mouth was nothing but pitch black.
The author has something to say:
Some people are experiencing a horror movie, others are enjoying a cozy farmstay (.
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